Ladies… Ladies… and if you’ve never watched Demetri Martin, you need to watch his bit on “ladies.”
My friends and I have an ongoing discussion about sports. All of us enjoy attending sporting events, and are game for a good World Series or playoff match. However, We have all agreed that someone needs to invent WESPN – WOMEN’S ESPN. Where real women talk about real sports. While showing the game.
See, we are not the women who watch sports because of the game. Truth be told, I only understand, on a good day, just over half of what is going on. So we need WESPN – show the game, but talk about what women care about.
For example: my husband is a big fan of the Pittsburgh Steelers. So, I watched many football games before playoffs began. Women, you don’t need to know anything at all about the sport. “If you can’t say something relevant, don’t say anything at all.” I’m going to teach you how to stay quiet during game play (just stay quiet. Only cheer when your significant other cheers. Don’t do much commenting.) However, you will now have a lively dialogue going on in your head which will likely keep you entertained for hours (which you will need). And although women like me watch the Super Bowl for the commercials, we also like to have topics that women are interested in. Here are some things us women should discuss:
1. Colors – the teams all wear their own colors. I think even those of you who are sports illiterate know that. However, the colors can be very interesting, and important, if you happen to be watching the sport with a boy you like. Ladies, You must know your coordinating colors before attending a sporting event. Heaven forbid you show up wearing the wrong color. Because maybe, like me, your husband is a die-hard Pittsburgh Steelers fan. Their colors are black-and-yellow, which you might know from Wiz Khalifa, even if you don’t watch sports. (They also have some red and white in their logo, but this is apparently irrelevant.) Heaven forbid you show up to the game wearing red-and-yellow, thereby showing your allegiance to the Washington Redskins and causing your significant other to completely ignore you for the duration of the game. If the Redskins aren’t playing, this somehow makes your outfit choice worse. Again, Ladies, choose your colors wisely. Make sure you are wearing the correct colors (a.k.a., the color’s of your interesting partner’s team of choice) or at least neutral colors, such as pink, black or white with jeans. So you get a lot of time to coordinate your wardrobe with the game.
F.Y.I., this Super Bowl (which is this Sunday, Feb. 3rd at 3:30pm EST), the teams are the San Francisco 49ers and the Baltimore Ravens. Football teams are referred to interchangeably by their name and location. So if people ask, “Are you going for San Francisco?” or “Are you going for the 49ers?”, they’re referring to the same team. For the rest of this post, I will mostly refer to the teams by their cities. San Francisco’s colors are red and yellow. Baltimore’s colors are black and purple. A nice, deep purple ranging from grape to plum (ladies, you know what I’m talking about.) If you’re rating for a team based on color, Raven’s win. Hands down.
2. Team name – the location of the team is interesting to me. It’s interesting that the Steelers are from Pittsburgh, and therefore named after a long history of those who worked in steel factories. All the NFL teams have a long history for their names. We should talk about this. For this Super Bowl, the 49ers are named after the gold rush miners. The Ravens are named after Edgar Allen Poe’s famous poem, The Raven. Who knew the NFL was so historical or literary? Discuss. Wonder about where the other team names originated. This is interesting.
3. Cute players. This is a given.
Once you realize that under those uniforms there are some genuinely attractive professional athletes, you will watch much more attentively. Case in point: Tom Brady. Eric Decker. Donald Driver.
Ever since I saw that photo of Drew Brees with his son after winning the Super Bowl, I was hooked.
4. Fashion. Whoever decided to let 200+ pound men out in public wearing white tights should be shot. Also, how am I supposed to coordinate an outfit in red and gold without just looking like a groupie?
5. Tattoos. How do you feel about tattoo sleeves? Color tattoos? Tattoos that say, “Psalm 23” while pounding straight into other men, knocking them to the ground. Discuss tattoos. Tattoos are interesting to women.
7. Information about the players’ personal lives. This is interesting. We want to know who dated whom. Who may or may not be taking Bambi antler extract to heal a tricep injury (*cough cough* Ray Lewis *cough* *cough*). Or who seemed to murder a man during a bar fight and got away with it (um… not the guy we already mentioned for killing Bambi??) Or the fact that the head coaches of the opposing teams going to the Super Bowl this year are brothers! This is important stuff!
8. Terms. The only reason why you should know some terms is so that you can really impress that guy across the party you’ve been ogling. You should know the two quarterbacks names (seriously. FYI: San Francisco is Colin Kaepernick, who also has a lot of tattoos. Baltimore is Joe Flacco, pretty nondescript). But terms like, “Ray has really been controlling the field.” “That guy totally didn’t secure the ball!” will really blow him away. WARNING: Using these terms incorrectly or during game play will cause you to appear ignorant and probably cause that football-loving hunk you went to the party with to ignore you for the remainder of the game (similar to the wrong color situation). Therefore, I ONLY recommend using these terms if you actually know what you’re talking about. Instead, watch him out of the corner of your eye and just cheer when he cheers. Echo his sentiments. When he yells, “SECURE THE BALL!!” You can easily slide in with, “yeah, totally, he needs to secure that ball.” You sound savvy, cool. Meanwhile, you can go on thinking about the cute players and wacky hairdos.
Ok. That’s all I have for your WESPN Super Bowl countdown. Oh, except for a few recipes for the party snacks. And the small fact that the sport itself is actually pretty entertaining. And please, let me know your thoughts on sports, because WESPN makes them all better. Let the games begin.